Journey To Being Me

No more fighting to fit in you your box. No more adjusting to what I think you would want me to be. Tired of living for you while slowly dying inside me. Constantly second guessing what your perception may be, slowly evolving into what you seem to want and pretending to be happy with the me you want me to be. My smile shouldn't be timed and my laughter shouldn't be abandon. My feelings don't have to be worn on my sleeve because you can't appreciate my actions or consistency of my affection. The growth of my love shouldn't be estimated or timed like a sand dial. I can't be pieced together like a puzzle or analyzed. I speak the truth when asked and express my fears when challenged. I can only be me in the spirit of being me.

Commitment Cycle

The more you chase me, the more I want to be alone.
The more you pull away, the more I want to be held.
Needing more when you are not there, but giving less when you are near.
Not appreciating whats missed when it was in my possession but longing for more when I should be complete.

Making Sense Of It All

You ask me why can’t I commit, why am I so scared of opening my heart to someone and how that doesn’t make sense to you…well Let’s talk about what doesn’t make sense to me:

Him telling me that I should have made him more of a priority than an afterthought when he clearly could never make me a priority because of his family he already had.

Him telling me that he couldn’t reach out to me or return my phone calls because he was too busy enjoying a beautiful day.

Him telling me that the reason he never committed was because he was protecting my heart…meaning he was hiding the fact of his committed girlfriend, in efforts not to hurt me.

Him telling me how much my body means to him and never even calling on my birthday.

Him complaining about his materialistic possessions after I just shared my fears with him.

Him falsely accusing me because he doesn’t trust who I really am.

Him telling me that everything he does is for “us” but I somehow get left out of everything in his life.

How can I give myself whole heartedly when I don’t trust anyone with my heart? Everyone says they want to be “real and upfront” but in all honesty, they can’t handle it. What’s the point of trying to be real all the time when people are faking their way into your space every day? I get game and lies everyday from people with motives so I don’t want to receive it from the one person I am suppose to love and care about. So until that one person comes along that can handle being upfront with me no matter what, then I will continue to entertain those that entertain me because game recognizes game and after playing for so long you start to enjoy the spectacle…

Another Point Of View

What if everyone DID believe in you? What if you didn’t have to feel as if you needed to prove yourself to anyone because you knew that they all thought you could do anything you wanted? What if people constantly gave you encouragement and told you that they support you? Think about if all those people that told you that you couldn’t do something, all told you that you COULD do whatever you put your mind to. Imagine a support system so strong that no one pointed out your failures but all awaited your success. What if everyone around you told you that you were destined for greatness and that nothing could stop you or get in your way? How about if you had great role models and people to look up to that accomplished their dreams?

Now imagine…

Being fearful and defeated, holding in dark secrets and insecurities. Ashamed of past failures and terrified to fail again. Walking around with the “curse of perfection” while trying to figure out what everyone is thinking of you.

Any Pressure?

In Mourning

Dearly Beloved…I have been in denial of your death. I await your presence any day now, thinking that you will be here with me like you use to be. Your absence is now too much for me to ignore. It bothers me that I can’t remember your essence or what made you, you. It frustrates me that when I close my eyes and imagine you, I can’t see you clearly. People use to call you fearless, but I fear that I won’t remember you that way. Your passing as been detrimental to me. I sometimes feel as if I never knew you at all and that it was all just a dream that you were once here. Functioning without you is almost impossible, unbearable and miserable. I actually need you in my life to survive. Why did you leave me? I try to channel you back through inspiration, faith and patience but still nothing. Everyone else has moved on without you, but I can’t! It’s hard waking up every morning going to the mirror and not seeing you. As much as the reflection looks the same, you are not there. The only way I make it through the day is to look deep into those eyes staring back at me and pretend you are still here.

Strangled

Each breath is becoming more and more painful to take, I can feel my flesh begin to burn as the blood builds up around my pressured veins. My eyes are expounded but my vision blurry. My body becomes limp and un-useable while my arms dangle down by my sides. Heart beats are slowly decreasing and my feet pulsate as a ticking time clock. The only thing that seems to be functioning is my brain but nothing is left to do, it’s too late. As I take my last breath, I have one last flash back on how the very thing that I never thought could stop me was my murderer…FEAR

Stepping Out Of The Background

When did I step into the shadow? Never wanting to be the behind-the-scene Technician or the Back Ground Dancer, yet I’ve reduced my role each time. No one pays that much attention to the last name on the credits but the slightest mistake can be found in the spelling of the first name that roles up. The star of the show bears all the criticism both good and bad. The forerunner of the show holds all responsibility for the success or failure of their performance. What risk they take to be the Star. What challenges they overcome to stand another performance day after day. What resilience they have to give their best each and every time no matter what the outcome. The Star quality comes way before they hit the stage, way before they speak the first word or sing the first song. It starts from within when that inner voice is saying “I can do it.” When obstacles are turned into opportunities and failures into lessons, is when the inner Star shines the brightest.

Companion

Just inches away yet you keep your distance. I never have to ask for you twice, you are right where I know you will be. You don’t make me feel as if I owe you anything or that my submission is your power over me. I like the way you make me feel without words. You always leave me with a smile on my face and no pressure to contain my feelings or express them.

The Real Games

I’m laughing at you insensitive ploys yet I’m suppose to fall all over you. When did it become okay for the guy to care only about himself (out loud) I at least pretend to be sensitive to your feelings, I at least pretend to enjoy your company and I can hold a conversation as if I’m listening. But if all my efforts are only shielding my guilty conscious from the fact that I’m only holding on for the perks, how do you so easily ignore your conscious from reminding you about your ulterior motives? We are both here for the wrong reasons yet I’m the only one who seems to think this is unhealthy. Is it okay for us to put our motives on the table, open and honestly? Or do you think you could handle the truth? Will you label me as something I would never want to become if you only knew what kept me near? It’s an obvious yet oblivious game with play. It’s perfectly fine for you to only want me for one thing but if it were known that I pretended to want you for one thing then who would I be?

Until The Next Episode

My head hurts, my stomach is in knots, my mouth becomes dry with each swallow of anticipation. I feel the beating of my heart all the way down in my toes. My palms begin to sweat and I start to lose my balance. Meals of the past want to escape my body. My body temperature increases by the seconds, I'm getting hotter and hotter. I begin to unbutton my shirt, grabbing on straps, sleeves, whatever I can to try and cool off. Why don't I have feeling in my arms and hands? My speech becomes slurred as my mouth erupts with earlier consumption. Just when I think it might be over, I start loosing it...small black spots appear in my site as my vision begins to fail. Small black spots turn into large black spots, then complete darkness. I close my eyes. Where did everyone go? Whats happening to me? Am I blind? Will my site return? In and out, in and out, my breathing triples in pace as I start to hyperventilate. Will anyone help me? Will they know what to do? What will they think of me? Oh God, help me!
DARKNESS...SILENCE...
The hair stands up on my arm as I shiver from chills. My skin embraces the cool air being fanned on me by another. "Open your eyes and drink this water," another voice says. I hesitantly open my eyes, I can see! I'm freezing, Ive ripped away most of my clothing. Trying to catch my breath, I cover up and sip on the water placed in front of me. Thanking my strangers for caring, I reassure everyone including myself that I am okay. I got through it and I'm okay. Embarrassed by the by standing stares, I compose myself, stand on two feet and prepare to walk through the whispers. I'm thankful and frightful at the same time. I came through it again...until the next episode.

Her Heart Speaks

Her heart speaks at a low tone, something like a whisper. Years of silence, fighting for the chance to escape, her heart has a story to tell. Through abuse, rebellion, dis-trust, illness and depression her heart's voice gets stronger and stronger. With increasing courage and time her heart speaks out. Her fearless heart begins to speak, cry out, scream, and even shout about the many storms she's weathered. Her heart begins to become inspiration for so many. Her hearts words not only encourage but warn, advise and comfort so many that share similar stories. The voice of her heart is the growing force behind the dynamic woman that she is. If she wont listen to me, I pray that she listens to the courageous heart inside of her.

Running From Real

Our connection is superficial. Our interest, materialistic. You like the outside me and you distract the inside me from where I should really be. My smile makes your decision easy. My curves keep you here wanting more. My name rings bells and they say we look good together. The surface is perfect. A perfect perception of happiness. You say I'm what you need but what about what we want. I compliment the outside you but can I fulfill the inside you? Is the picture perfect love all you desire? When will we both realize that our well put together package is just not enough?

Resolution

I will not be discouraged to love. I deserve someone that will share just as much if not more of themselves with me. I will not be afraid of my feelings and where they take me. I will acknowledge true feelings and allow myself to express them freely without letting pride get into the way. I will not judge future situations based on past disappointments. I will allow you to truly get to know me.

Words Of A Kiss

The only time I feel his lips are when he is close to me. The only time he is close to me is when he is on top of me. The only time he is on top of me is when I need to be kissed. When his kiss is the only thing that makes me feel loved, worthy and appreciated. When his feelings aren't spoken, aren't expressed through words, kind gestures, or even felt through his eyes...his kisses will give me the affirmation that I so desperately want from him. His kisses don't just make my body submit to his body, they make my mind submit to his mind. I believe that he loves me back, I believe that he treasures me. I believe that he wants more than my body that he is receiving in the moment. But when he is not on top of me, not close to me and doesn't kiss me...I wonder. I wonder if I'm good enough for him. I wonder if I will ever feel his love without the kisses or will the kisses be all that he will give...to get close, to get on top without really giving anything at all.

Fake Emotionals

Hey Fake Emotionals, I don't need your feelings. How about you keep them to yourself where you can make believe all by yourself. Only Real Emotionals from now on...

Sunshine

You ask why I'm called Sunshine...
Well its because my smile lights up any room and its also been known to melt hearts. My true light shines brighter than the sun and twice as bright as any star at night. I don't see the clouds because I'm walking on them. My laughter is contagious and my hugs are irresistible. I can appreciate a good joke and not afraid to tell my own. I welcome excitement and adventure and am always wanting to try something new. I am the life of the party and know how to get it started as well as keep it going. Sunshine, yes that's me!

Mind Power

I've been doing some cut backs lately in a lot of different areas: socially, financially, etc. And while trying to explain my will power to someone today I thinking of ways to put it in a "nice" way and could only think of words that made no sense or that could be taken out of context. With my dilemma in trying to convey that in conversation, I was the only one that found humor in it; however later that night I get a message from my sister who asked me to define a word that she made up. Ironically the word was one of the very same words that I conjured up earlier to explain myself to another....who'd knew we were thinking up the exact same explanation that same day with the same word! But wait it gets better...Preparing for bed, I was burdened with an obstacle I'm up against and while trying to get it out my mind, I thought of something someone said to me and I picked up my devotional book and started to read. Well the chapter was on exactly what I was struggling with and it provided great inspiration on the matter in which allowed me to focus on going to sleep at a decent hour for once....But wait, I'm not done! Typical me, I awake in the middle of the night/morning and not being able to sleep I start listening to my ipod and allowed the songs to get my mind wondering. I start to think about someone in particular for no apparent reason and begin reminiscing on our past encounter and as I start to doze off, I'm startled by my phone (which is usually on silent once my lights are out for the night) sending a chime acknowledging that someone has sent me a message. Yes, it is from the person that I was thinking about at that moment (who would usually be sleep at that time of morning)....go figure!
What a day, I wonder what tomorrow will bring?...

How Does Love Feel?

If it feels good, it's usually to good to be true but why do we constantly subject ourselves to pain only to say that this is what love is. We love the thrills of the emotional roller coaster and the love/hate bumper cars. A true connection is never felt until one person is drained of all emotions. Then what's left? "We have been through so much together or we have been together all this time" yes that's all, time...time spent, time gone and only life's lessons left to learn. When will we except that true connectivity is based on attraction, common goals, interest and the peace that two can bring to each other and not the drama or time that keeps us bonded to one another. Let go and allow yourself to receive true deserving love.

Her Aching Heart

She gave you her heart but you didn't cherish it. When you abandoned her she fell into the arms of another but her heart was still with you. She begged for the love and attention that she could only imagine wanting from you but you denied her and she pulled deeper into herself. She tried to fill her void of you with her career and other things but her heart remained with you, aching. She tried every conventional and unconventional way to get through to you, but failed at reaching you. Her unsuccessful attempts left her feeling lonely, unwanted, and curious as to whether she was good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. Although with you, she lost her strong confidant self and became overwhelmed with loneliness, her heart still belonged to you. Now that she had the strength to leave, she lies awake at night contemplating what she could have done different to make you love her the way she needed. Awaking with a failed relationship, failed career and diminishing self-worth, her aching heart still belongs to you.

Love Me or Leave Me Alone

It would have been easier if you said you didn't love me anymore. I would have been able to live with the fact that you couldn't stay. The pain that I would feel when you said goodbye would eventually fade unlike the pain that I have from your unfulfilled promises and the false hope you give me when you say things will be different. Not receiving your phone calls would sting a little but not like the electric shock I feel when we sit on the phone with nothing to say; conversations so dull and empty. Not feeling you next to me in bed would feel cold and lonely but it wouldn't be as much agony as laying next to you knowing you aren't fully there. I would shed thousands of tears after your departure but they can be easily wiped away with a kleenex instead of me longing for you to wipe the one tear that falls down as you pretend to listen. Melodies of love songs would haunt me on the radio after you are gone but they will soon be tuned out unlike the soothing rhythms that I play for you, hoping that you would see how I feel for you. Answers to your whereabouts would become systematic instead of random excuses of why you weren't by my side. My heart would then sadden at the thought of a future without you but it would still be more clear than fantasizing about the future that you never saw with me. So yes, I would rather you let me go now than to hate you later.