Journey To Being Me

No more fighting to fit in you your box. No more adjusting to what I think you would want me to be. Tired of living for you while slowly dying inside me. Constantly second guessing what your perception may be, slowly evolving into what you seem to want and pretending to be happy with the me you want me to be. My smile shouldn't be timed and my laughter shouldn't be abandon. My feelings don't have to be worn on my sleeve because you can't appreciate my actions or consistency of my affection. The growth of my love shouldn't be estimated or timed like a sand dial. I can't be pieced together like a puzzle or analyzed. I speak the truth when asked and express my fears when challenged. I can only be me in the spirit of being me.

Commitment Cycle

The more you chase me, the more I want to be alone.
The more you pull away, the more I want to be held.
Needing more when you are not there, but giving less when you are near.
Not appreciating whats missed when it was in my possession but longing for more when I should be complete.

Making Sense Of It All

You ask me why can’t I commit, why am I so scared of opening my heart to someone and how that doesn’t make sense to you…well Let’s talk about what doesn’t make sense to me:

Him telling me that I should have made him more of a priority than an afterthought when he clearly could never make me a priority because of his family he already had.

Him telling me that he couldn’t reach out to me or return my phone calls because he was too busy enjoying a beautiful day.

Him telling me that the reason he never committed was because he was protecting my heart…meaning he was hiding the fact of his committed girlfriend, in efforts not to hurt me.

Him telling me how much my body means to him and never even calling on my birthday.

Him complaining about his materialistic possessions after I just shared my fears with him.

Him falsely accusing me because he doesn’t trust who I really am.

Him telling me that everything he does is for “us” but I somehow get left out of everything in his life.

How can I give myself whole heartedly when I don’t trust anyone with my heart? Everyone says they want to be “real and upfront” but in all honesty, they can’t handle it. What’s the point of trying to be real all the time when people are faking their way into your space every day? I get game and lies everyday from people with motives so I don’t want to receive it from the one person I am suppose to love and care about. So until that one person comes along that can handle being upfront with me no matter what, then I will continue to entertain those that entertain me because game recognizes game and after playing for so long you start to enjoy the spectacle…