What are you looking at

I refuse to go backwards to try and find where I lost my love for you. I only have the passion to move forward to find a recognizable feeling that I believe will be new. Standing at the crossroads of love and lonely is you, we share both but only I feel what’s true. We are more like strangers with lost memories to renew, passing time until one says I’m through.

I Got It....A Proud Day

I’ve experienced my moment of truth, of realization of where I have come from to focus on where I am going. It’s one thing to learn black history in school, attend black history programs, watch civil rights documentaries, listen to Dr. Martin Luther King’s speeches, and read about rally’s for Malcolm X’s; however it’s another experience to actually know that something that I thought could never be possible came true today at the Inauguration Ceremony for President Barack Obama, our nation’s first African American President. At 27 years old, I was born afforded the opportunities to eat anywhere, to sit down on bus seats, to study with children of all races, and vote when I became of age. I had only read about slavery, the struggles against segregation and the need for affirmative action. Despite the opportunities given to me because of those who fought before me; I had never witnessed a Black President, let alone a black person in any major powerful position which led me to believe that it was never a possibility. I can remember getting my first black Barbie doll thinking that it was so nice that it looked like me but wasn’t sure if it was a pretty as the other ones that I have always played with and seen on TV. Unlike my uncertainty of my first black Barbie, I have an overwhelming sense of certainty in my new Black President. Overwhelmed with emotion as I watch the magnitude of crowds standing in the freezing temperatures to watch history being made, and at this very moment I am proud to be American, I am proud to be patriotic. With my pajamas on, I stood up in my bedroom, hand over heart and sang the National Anthem for the first time since high school. During the Inauguration speech the new President said “this is knowing the meaning of our liberty and creed,” which stood out to me because as an adult, I can know say that I know the meaning of the positive change that so many have fought for before me. Understanding the sacrifice of what so many made to afford me this opportunity is amazing in itself. Hearing the excitement in my mother’s voice as she prepared to go to the inauguration, listening to television interviews of past civil rights participants full of emotion from cheers to tears, and daydreaming on what my deceased father would say if he was here today, all bought about a range of emotions in myself. The clarity of the blurry passed will give me a better vision for the future. I am blessed to have experienced this historical election and inauguration first hand. I pray that this change will pave the way for even more non-violent change for the years to come. I hope that my nieces and nephews and future children will recognize how this moment in their past was one that bought hope for me on their futures. The best part of the day for me was the moment when I GOT IT.

Trying To Soak In This Historic Moment

As I watch the History Channel documentary on Freedom Writers at midnight on MLK Day, I feel a since of pride, honor and an undeserving feeling all at the same time. It’s one thing to have always read about historical milestones for African Americans but it’s another to experience it firsthand. I feel proud because I can turn on the television, turn on the radio and pick up a paper and the whole world is talking about our first African American President, the most powerful man in the country. I am honored to say I voted and was a part of making history as a young African American woman. Feelings that I am undeserving stem from knowing that I have not yet worked my hardest, reached my potential or accomplished half of what was fought for by so many before me. I take for granted that I am witnessing something so deserving and not something simply owed to “us”. I am sadden to the fact that my grandparents, aunts, uncles and most importantly, my father who said there would never be a Black President are not here to share this moment with me. Although I have experienced moments of unjust circumstances due to my race, I know it’s not by far as bad as what they went through. This historic moment can be seen through so many different perspectives. Through mine, I will take my proud emotions and declare that I help our new president make a difference through my own everyday actions. I will take my honored emotions, step back and breathe in this new sense of accomplishment for our race and continue to strive for greatness in myself. I will turn my undeserving feelings into motivation to leave a great legacy with my future children and grandchildren that may not realize how this moment was so historical and changed the lives of many. I’ve always been told that Change is inevitable; I pray that this change will be the one to step towards a norm. I just want to take the time to really soak in this moment and apply my feelings to something extrodinary that my departed love ones can look down and be proud of.

Why Are You Really Upset?

I’m so angry because you don’t know, you don’t grow, you don’t show…
Me the unconditional love that I’ve been seeking, feening, asking for….
You to finally get me, respect me, keep me….
From all the stresses, all the worries, all the struggles…
Of the everyday world, everyday people, everyday society…
That deter me from simple pleasures, simple beauty, simple moments…
With you that I long for…

The Exclusive Interview With Death

In a cold un-inviting tunnel between dark and light, I begin the first ever exclusive interview of a lifetime with Death. I was determine to ask the questions that we all needed to know and determine to walk away knowing every intimate detail of what goes into the work of Death.

ME: So Death, what made you decided to finally speak directly to me? Is there something specific that you want me to know about you?

Death: I’ve watched you for quite some time however with my private nature I never wanted to expose my work until now. I suspect you are asking too many questions about me and I wanted you to get the answers directly from the source instead of make your own assumptions of what I do.

ME: So for the record, what is that you really do?

Death: If you must ask then I shouldn’t be here. What you desire to know is why I do what I do, is that correct?

ME: I thought I was the one asking the questions here but yes you are right. You have the most controversial job in the world, I’m sure you may just very well be the most hated as well.

Death: If I felt hatred then I would care, but I don’t. I do what is necessary; however sometimes I can explain and sometimes I can’t explain it.

ME: It has been my experience that your lack of explanation is what bothers me and I’m sure others. In the past you sent press releases stating that the inspiration for your work was old age, disease or accidents. What has changed in your industry that you are stepping outside the box and doing jobs with no premise, totally out of the ordinary?

Death: It’s simple, for publicity. Sometimes you have to shake things up to get the public to pay attention to you. With religion, new technology, medical miracles and organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving; the awareness has slowed my business down. Sometimes I have to get creative and shock those into remembering that I will always have work and will always be around.

ME: Don’t you think that you can get that message across in other ways?

Death: No, you don’t understand the amount of people that believe that they are invincible. They live adverse to their doctor’s recommendations, consume deadly drugs, drive reckless, and have unprotected sex, trust strangers amongst many of the other daily risk. I just take one life to protect another.

ME: But how is that fair, much less making any sense? Why take the life of one unexplained and expect those “risk takers” to really get it? Beyond their grief, they will start to feel anger that not makes them end their indiscretions but make them want to indulge even more. Thoughts of “if this innocent person living the right way gets their life taken, then why should I change,” will be the only thing that they have on their minds.

Death: Not everyone will think that way.

ME: Yes this is true, you may have those that vow to change their lives around because of the fear of dying themselves but again, how is this fair or makes sense to take a life to get the attention of another. Was that life not valued as highly as the one you are trying to shock?

Death: I can’t confirm nor deny that last statement.

ME: I thought I was finally going to get my exclusive!

Death: Just calm down, it’s not as simple as you would like for it to be. Do you remember that day when you and your friends’ skipped basketball practice in high school?

ME: Yes, so.

Death: Do you also remember that one friend, accidentally shot off his father’s gun in your direction and the bullet just missed your head? At the moment you all ran in fear of the noise getting you all in trouble but in actuality, it could have been the end of your life right there.

Me: Wow, I do recall that and never thought about it like that.

Death: Do you remember the time you were driving back to college from visiting your mother and you borrowed her car?

Me: Yes, now you are back to asking the questions I see.

Death: If you recall, you were in an accident that ended up in what you refer to as a miracle due to the fact that your car spun in circles several times, stopped turned facing oncoming traffic in the middle of the interstate but somehow you ended up on the side of the highway before the rest of the traffic caught up to you. Although emotional and frightened, you walked away without a scratch. It could have been your last road trip that night.

Me: Yes, I do remember and your mention of it brings chills up my spine but what does this have to do with you? I’m still alive.

Death: Yes you are. If you’re being alive is not explained then why does someone’s dying have to be? You may have not done anything right or wrong to still be alive just as they may not have done anything right or wrong to die. I know this isn’t the interview that you wanted and I don’t know what your write-up will look like but it will definitely give you time to think and appreciate every moment of life that you do have with your family and friends.

Me: (with a disturbed look on my face) I still don’t get it and I guess I never will. I will avoid your work at all cost and hope that you don’t work with any of my love ones in the near future. Thank you for your time.

Death: You’re welcome. Until we meet again…

Calculating the Stats

I can give you my time, my smile, even my body without investment but when I give you my mind, emotions and viewpoint…you have my heart. The chips are all in at that point. I play to win and never to lose. My interest is the best interest when I’m with me. Your interest will never be my interest until you’re with me. I expect you to reach beyond the stars with no limits when taking on this task. Like a coach, my competitive spirit is to challenge you while trying to understand your potential. I analyze your performance to decipher between good and bad, honesty and bull, sincerity and condescending. My positive feedback is never calculated; however the negative feedback will always be strategic. If you succeed, it’s because I showed you the way. If you fail, you will never know why.

Voice Of My Biggest Enemy

I can sell you faster than you can sale yourself. The public request you and call for you, who am I to not give them what they want which will benefit them and maybe not you. Speak up, I can’t hear you…I don’t hear your true desires, passions and dreams loud and clear. You mention them and allude to the fact that they will come to fruition one day but I don’t believe you. I think that you are regular, regular in the sense that you will settle for what I give you. Against your own self examination, you are patient and passive. You allow me to take you places that you would never want to go; you allow me give so much of you away for free. I can totally take advantage of you because your fear is so great. I show off your talents when you least expect it. I’m constantly presenting you in a light that makes you submissive and accommodating which appeals to your takers. I don’t allow them to see your self-worth and your true visions and from this I even know how to sometimes hide it from you. I allow you to believe that you will never make it on your own, that you don’t have the resources, time and strength to ever accomplish your own dreams. I hold you back from focus and persistence. I keep you comfortable with what you know and keep you frightened of the unknown. I volunteer your time to help everyone but yourself. I take a percentage and spend it on making you feel just a little bit better so you can go back to being mine. You allow me to control you. I want to keep you calm and comfortable to keep you right where I want you. Your anger and discontentment concerns me, it always leads to your progression and success. If you were wise you would turn your anger into your vehicle for accomplishment. You would challenge yourself and doubt my repetitive advice. You would not allow me to pimp you out. You would acknowledge the powerful side of your inner voice and not me. I rob you of your confidence, your passion and dreams as "A man without a dream or vision will perish"! I will always be around taunting; you can’t hide from me or shut me up unless you lay me to rest by taking your ambitions to the next level. You won’t win.

Relax, It's Just A Crack

So I'm spending time with the nieces and nephew for an Auntie and Me day out...I'm not a mother yet so my kiddie day out wardrobe doesn't consist of overalls and baby vomit stained t-shirts instead I maintain my fly by weaning a fitted sweater and pair of skinny jeans and boots totally appropriate, so I thought. I've always thought of myself as the Super Nanny, Favorite Auntie, Guru of kids type of person but when you are trying to get toddlers out the back seat of a coupe, you start to feel a little incompetent. Well in the midst of my full out brawl with the car seats and seat belts, through the impossible space between the front seat and back seat, my jeans and sweater begin to separate and I start to feel a draft on my lower back and butt. At this point its either drop a kid or expose a little crack. My future motherly instincts kicked in and I decided that the kids come first so I continued to attempt to rescue them from the jaws of my back seat. Through the commotion, I over heard two older women walking by totally appalled by my crack showcase. They were gasping, pointing and rolling their eyes in disgust. My first thought was keep it moving this is not a show but then I figured they could at least be of some assistance if they were just going to stand there and watch; I mean it wasn't like it was a full moon or anything, now that would have been just gross. So I stepped out and ask if they wouldn't mind giving me a hand but they clutched their hearts as if I asked them to come cup a cheek or something. I didn't get what the big deal was, to me it would have been worst if I exposed huge granny panties with polka dots! I got frustrated and yelled "kick rocks, I'm sure you've seen worst when you look in the mirror plus there are plenty who would pay good money to see the show that you just got!" So I guess it shows that I'm liable to fight old ladies but I DO LOVE THE KIDS!

Miss Independent & The Male Gold Digger

Miss Independent, that I am. Being able to afford the things that I want and need comes at an ease; however call me old fashion but if you are or want to be the MAN in the relationship then my "having it" shouldn't be what makes you dig me. I can very well not have it just as you can not have it and then would it matter? As long as I can give you the satisfaction of knowing that you are spending because you want to and not because you have to then that should be good enough. Just like I would want the opportunity to treat because I want to and not because you know that I got it to spend. Since when has the woman footing the bill been an aphrodisiac for men? For centuries you've been raised to work hard and provide for your families, you've been held superior and paid more all because the man is suppose to "wear the pants". Now all of a sudden just because a woman can do it on her own, you want her to do it for you to ease your slack. Let me be independent because I don't ask for anything and not because I pay for everything. If I'm expected to take care of home, keep myself fly, keep my composure, support your dreams, satisfy your needs AND pay my way....then I have to ask myself, What is that you are bringing to the table??? Some may say it's a double standard or stereotype but it boils down to...I'm the GIRL and your the BOY, it's already a man's world, so simply pay for it!