Thursday, December 17, 2009

Until The Next Episode

My head hurts, my stomach is in knots, my mouth becomes dry with each swallow of anticipation. I feel the beating of my heart all the way down in my toes. My palms begin to sweat and I start to lose my balance. Meals of the past want to escape my body. My body temperature increases by the seconds, I'm getting hotter and hotter. I begin to unbutton my shirt, grabbing on straps, sleeves, whatever I can to try and cool off. Why don't I have feeling in my arms and hands? My speech becomes slurred as my mouth erupts with earlier consumption. Just when I think it might be over, I start loosing it...small black spots appear in my site as my vision begins to fail. Small black spots turn into large black spots, then complete darkness. I close my eyes. Where did everyone go? Whats happening to me? Am I blind? Will my site return? In and out, in and out, my breathing triples in pace as I start to hyperventilate. Will anyone help me? Will they know what to do? What will they think of me? Oh God, help me!
The hair stands up on my arm as I shiver from chills. My skin embraces the cool air being fanned on me by another. "Open your eyes and drink this water," another voice says. I hesitantly open my eyes, I can see! I'm freezing, Ive ripped away most of my clothing. Trying to catch my breath, I cover up and sip on the water placed in front of me. Thanking my strangers for caring, I reassure everyone including myself that I am okay. I got through it and I'm okay. Embarrassed by the by standing stares, I compose myself, stand on two feet and prepare to walk through the whispers. I'm thankful and frightful at the same time. I came through it again...until the next episode.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Her Heart Speaks

Her heart speaks at a low tone, something like a whisper. Years of silence, fighting for the chance to escape, her heart has a story to tell. Through abuse, rebellion, dis-trust, illness and depression her heart's voice gets stronger and stronger. With increasing courage and time her heart speaks out. Her fearless heart begins to speak, cry out, scream, and even shout about the many storms she's weathered. Her heart begins to become inspiration for so many. Her hearts words not only encourage but warn, advise and comfort so many that share similar stories. The voice of her heart is the growing force behind the dynamic woman that she is. If she wont listen to me, I pray that she listens to the courageous heart inside of her.

Running From Real

Our connection is superficial. Our interest, materialistic. You like the outside me and you distract the inside me from where I should really be. My smile makes your decision easy. My curves keep you here wanting more. My name rings bells and they say we look good together. The surface is perfect. A perfect perception of happiness. You say I'm what you need but what about what we want. I compliment the outside you but can I fulfill the inside you? Is the picture perfect love all you desire? When will we both realize that our well put together package is just not enough?


I will not be discouraged to love. I deserve someone that will share just as much if not more of themselves with me. I will not be afraid of my feelings and where they take me. I will acknowledge true feelings and allow myself to express them freely without letting pride get into the way. I will not judge future situations based on past disappointments. I will allow you to truly get to know me.

Words Of A Kiss

The only time I feel his lips are when he is close to me. The only time he is close to me is when he is on top of me. The only time he is on top of me is when I need to be kissed. When his kiss is the only thing that makes me feel loved, worthy and appreciated. When his feelings aren't spoken, aren't expressed through words, kind gestures, or even felt through his eyes...his kisses will give me the affirmation that I so desperately want from him. His kisses don't just make my body submit to his body, they make my mind submit to his mind. I believe that he loves me back, I believe that he treasures me. I believe that he wants more than my body that he is receiving in the moment. But when he is not on top of me, not close to me and doesn't kiss me...I wonder. I wonder if I'm good enough for him. I wonder if I will ever feel his love without the kisses or will the kisses be all that he will get close, to get on top without really giving anything at all.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Fake Emotionals

Hey Fake Emotionals, I don't need your feelings. How about you keep them to yourself where you can make believe all by yourself. Only Real Emotionals from now on...


You ask why I'm called Sunshine...
Well its because my smile lights up any room and its also been known to melt hearts. My true light shines brighter than the sun and twice as bright as any star at night. I don't see the clouds because I'm walking on them. My laughter is contagious and my hugs are irresistible. I can appreciate a good joke and not afraid to tell my own. I welcome excitement and adventure and am always wanting to try something new. I am the life of the party and know how to get it started as well as keep it going. Sunshine, yes that's me!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Mind Power

I've been doing some cut backs lately in a lot of different areas: socially, financially, etc. And while trying to explain my will power to someone today I thinking of ways to put it in a "nice" way and could only think of words that made no sense or that could be taken out of context. With my dilemma in trying to convey that in conversation, I was the only one that found humor in it; however later that night I get a message from my sister who asked me to define a word that she made up. Ironically the word was one of the very same words that I conjured up earlier to explain myself to another....who'd knew we were thinking up the exact same explanation that same day with the same word! But wait it gets better...Preparing for bed, I was burdened with an obstacle I'm up against and while trying to get it out my mind, I thought of something someone said to me and I picked up my devotional book and started to read. Well the chapter was on exactly what I was struggling with and it provided great inspiration on the matter in which allowed me to focus on going to sleep at a decent hour for once....But wait, I'm not done! Typical me, I awake in the middle of the night/morning and not being able to sleep I start listening to my ipod and allowed the songs to get my mind wondering. I start to think about someone in particular for no apparent reason and begin reminiscing on our past encounter and as I start to doze off, I'm startled by my phone (which is usually on silent once my lights are out for the night) sending a chime acknowledging that someone has sent me a message. Yes, it is from the person that I was thinking about at that moment (who would usually be sleep at that time of morning)....go figure!
What a day, I wonder what tomorrow will bring?...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

How Does Love Feel?

If it feels good, it's usually to good to be true but why do we constantly subject ourselves to pain only to say that this is what love is. We love the thrills of the emotional roller coaster and the love/hate bumper cars. A true connection is never felt until one person is drained of all emotions. Then what's left? "We have been through so much together or we have been together all this time" yes that's all, time...time spent, time gone and only life's lessons left to learn. When will we except that true connectivity is based on attraction, common goals, interest and the peace that two can bring to each other and not the drama or time that keeps us bonded to one another. Let go and allow yourself to receive true deserving love.

Her Aching Heart

She gave you her heart but you didn't cherish it. When you abandoned her she fell into the arms of another but her heart was still with you. She begged for the love and attention that she could only imagine wanting from you but you denied her and she pulled deeper into herself. She tried to fill her void of you with her career and other things but her heart remained with you, aching. She tried every conventional and unconventional way to get through to you, but failed at reaching you. Her unsuccessful attempts left her feeling lonely, unwanted, and curious as to whether she was good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. Although with you, she lost her strong confidant self and became overwhelmed with loneliness, her heart still belonged to you. Now that she had the strength to leave, she lies awake at night contemplating what she could have done different to make you love her the way she needed. Awaking with a failed relationship, failed career and diminishing self-worth, her aching heart still belongs to you.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Love Me or Leave Me Alone

It would have been easier if you said you didn't love me anymore. I would have been able to live with the fact that you couldn't stay. The pain that I would feel when you said goodbye would eventually fade unlike the pain that I have from your unfulfilled promises and the false hope you give me when you say things will be different. Not receiving your phone calls would sting a little but not like the electric shock I feel when we sit on the phone with nothing to say; conversations so dull and empty. Not feeling you next to me in bed would feel cold and lonely but it wouldn't be as much agony as laying next to you knowing you aren't fully there. I would shed thousands of tears after your departure but they can be easily wiped away with a kleenex instead of me longing for you to wipe the one tear that falls down as you pretend to listen. Melodies of love songs would haunt me on the radio after you are gone but they will soon be tuned out unlike the soothing rhythms that I play for you, hoping that you would see how I feel for you. Answers to your whereabouts would become systematic instead of random excuses of why you weren't by my side. My heart would then sadden at the thought of a future without you but it would still be more clear than fantasizing about the future that you never saw with me. So yes, I would rather you let me go now than to hate you later.

Monday, August 3, 2009

After The Thought

Silly dude, don't you know that your replaceable? Cutting you out of my life was as easy as cutting a grey hair out my scalp. What part of "deleted from contacts" didn't you understand? It was a simple decision, one with out much thought or hesitation. You were here one day and you were gone the next simple as that. We don't need to discuss the particulars of how, what, when and where; its over and nothing more to say. You felt as though you were always an after thought, well are you happy because as of now there's nothing left to think about.

Please Excuse This Me

Pardon my smart remarks, excuse my dismissal heart and don't take offense to my memory lost of what we had, as I am suffering with a miserable mind. Please believe me this time when I say its me and not you. I've done all I could to prevent this, never wanting you to feel as if I didn't love you or I didn't care. I am subdued right now in a new state of being which I cannot control. Please understand that I would give you the best of me if I could, if I had any left to give. You are worthy of knowing the true and not just at the receiving end of a fake smile.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I dont know you

I do not know you anymore. The changes of your heart concern me. Where have you gone and what happened there to make you into someone so unrecognizable? This is not what you were taught, what you believed or what you would ever settle for. You have defeated enemies of great stature, you have over come challenges meant for destruction and you have done the impossible and came back to life. So how is it that you are someone different now? Someone with no recollection of your many triumphs. You look the same but there is a dramatic difference in you. I'm afraid of this person who have become. I'm terrified of where this person will go and what this person will or won't do. How do I find the real you deep down in that temple of yours.


The unveiling of a rare beauty, fully disrobed exposing all scars and imperfections. Once a vallard strength now left without armor, vulnerable in the light. The many hidden insecurities now pulled to the front. No pity to fall upon those ears only disappointment and disgust. No longer able to stay afloat with the many true Gems amongst, simply sinking to the bottom longing to be forgotten. Stripped of pride, dignity and grace, now afraid of the unknown, unclothed reflection in the mirror. Exposed for its hypocritical thoughts, careless actions and reckless lies. Unhumbled but disregarded. Torn to the bone like punctured skin, deep wounds now surface trying to heal again. Infected with visible self-concious blemishes, carrying around over weight baggage. Naked, exposed but most of all afraid.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Simply Existing

Existing...floating from one day to the next unsure of what the future holds. Never certain, predictions unclear and dreams starting to fade. What defines me? Will anyone be able to see what I'm not or forget what I once was and if so will that be what defines me? Who will I become or what will become of me? I'm trying to tame these thoughts, quiet the negativity and pity, grief and sadness numbs me. Running from reality, I'm slowed down by lack of motivation and resilience. There is no more blood pumping to give me the energy to suceed, my complacent heart will no longer beat. I'm stuck in this worldwind sinking to the bottom with no hopes of escape. No longer interested in the pursuit of wealth, love or time, only interested in living and not just existing.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Its an act of submission not of love, not even of lust anymore.
I don't crave it or even dream of it anymore.
I avoid it, stall and make up excuses of not wanting it anymore.
Heavy breathing, body shakes, and moans are just physical and not of emotions anymore.
Afterwards there's no bond or feeling of contentment anymore.
I think I would be fine without doing it anymore....
But I can't because unfortunately that's all I have to offer anymore.

There Is No Color Of The Soul

His eyes are unlike mine but the tied that binds us is truly visible. We've walked in different shoes but our walk together will determine the strength of our love. Often questioned, mocked and stared down, we have overcome our challenges as one. Our hearts mirrored together, not being phased by our reflections, seeing eachother's heart as we are blinded only by the color of love. Never waiting for acceptance but expecting respect to influence others to look within the colorless soul to find true love.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

There Is No Color Of The Soul

His eyes are unlike mine but the tied that binds us is truly visible. We've walked in different shoes but our walk together will determine the strength of our love. Often questioned, mocked and stared down, we have overcome our challenges as one. Our hearts mirrored together, not being phased by our reflections, seeing eachother's heart as we are blinded only by the color of love. Never waiting for acceptance but expecting respect to influence others to look within the colorless soul to find true love.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Here or There

I left because I didn't want to be here. I came back because I didn't know where to be. Its safe here, no worries from what's out there. Always longing to be here when out there but not complete when here. Now looking back and forth from here to there, contemplating where to go next...or must I choose?

No Good For You

Don't let me distract you, because I will. My worries will become yours and you won't be the same. You will loose yourself in your noble efforts. Your head will tell you we are right but your heart will tell you different. Don't be afraid of what others will think, you have a right to your happiness. I won't hate you, I want to protect you. Don't trade your happiness for what you think is love.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Use Me...

Use my smile as your joy
Use my failures as your challenges
Use my tears as your wisdom
Use my laughter as your music
Use my sighs as your encouragement
Use my heart as your trophy
Use my stumbles as your steps
Use my legacy as your guide

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Why Does She Stay...

Tired of being ignored, frustrated with lack of intimacy and bored with the regular routine, yet she stays. Pursued by those looking to impress, catered to by randoms' and flirted with by on-lookers, yet she stays faithful. Questioned by relatives, sterotyped by co-workers, and pittied by married friends, yet she stays patient. All needs provided for, comforted during difficult times and proof of his love, yet she complains. Never going without, goes as she pleases, and is never questioned, yet she still seems to think the grass is greener. Is it possible to live with anything if you have the one thing that you can't live without?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Her Dreams

How does she hide her secret obsessions for the unknown? Her professional demeanor keeps her from looking like what she is thinking on the inside. Always wanting the freedom to express her sexual desires but never the courage to live up to that image that’s often looked at negatively. Suppressed by years of portraying what everyone else wants her to be, she holds back from opportunities that will allow her to live our her fantasies. She can only let loose in her dreams where her private desires can replay over and over in her mind. In her dreams she doesn’t feel the need to uphold a certain reputation or reach certain standards set before her. This woman can use her subconscious to reach an ecstasy like no other. The age old question of “what will they think of me” won’t be on her mind; only the thoughts of how satisfying this is for her. Under this deep subdue of intimacy, she will be fulfilled in ways that she never thought possible and which will only heighten her desires for more. Just as she reaches the most satisfying climax ever, she awakes to her cell phone ringing….it’s another late night call but she presses ignore and rolls over thinking, “what type of girl do they think I am?”

Friday, March 6, 2009

This is what he said...

Aint no Sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away, aint no Sunshine when she's gone and she's always gone too long. Wonder this time where she's gone, wonder if she gone to stay, aint no Sunshine when she's gone and this house just aint no home anytime she goes away....and IknowIknowIknowIknowIknow.....-Bill Withers...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Death of a Stick-Up Kid

Time of Death: 10:00pm Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Headline read: Tragic Death of The Stick-Up Kid. The Coroner’s reported that this death was not as unusual as it sounds; it’s actually very common in men his age especially when they indulge in such activity. The Coroner goes on to say that there should be a warning label on consuming too much of a dynamic, no nonsense woman and mixing with generic brands; as it can always be fatal. The Police report reads: Late Sunday night Officers responded to a series of suicidal text messages that a man wanted to end his life. The dispatcher failed at several attempts to get the man to call in to talk about it but he never obliged. Once the lead detective arrived on the scene they begin to search the area carefully wanting to be wrong about the man and hopefully salvage the situation. Walking through an abandoned house they noticed that the door wasn’t broken therefore they assumed it wasn’t a robbery but possibly the man was invited in. As they searched the house they found empty glasses with traces of Malibu Rum and splash of pineapple juice all over the house. As they walked out to the back of the house they found the man dangling from a hammock, strangled to death with his blackberry by his side with a flashing message that read, “be careful what you ask for, your sunshine has set.” The man was identified by an identification card in his wallet as Stick-Up Kid. The evidence proved that the man’s alcohol level for a “friend” was way over the normal limit. He had over indulged in Malibu and Pineapple and his glutinous ways had finally cost him. It appeared that the Stick-Up Kid hung himself with an un-used hammock fit for two. The classic case of over consumption of an “in the meantime” fix while he looked for a stronger addiction closer to him that would be easier to consume for HIS pleasure. He was warned about his consumption habits but he just seemed to want more and more without regard to how it would affect the people around him. It appeared that the man wasn’t fully aware of how strong a drug this was. He was told that if he succeeded in his addiction that it was with help but if he failed then he would be left with no clue why. It seems that this man didn’t want help to beat the addiction but instead wanted to enjoy the high without responsibility. The interesting part of the analysis was that the drug could actually be good for you if consumed responsibly and in moderation; however this young man seemed to have asked for more than he could handle. Only the best of the best, considerate, non-self absorbed and ego strong can handle this drug. There was a comment by an eye-witness from the Pittsburg Steelers: “It’s a shame this had to happen this way, he had so much hidden potential but got too self-absorbed to see what was happening to him. I’ve been down this road before so I could see it coming. I just didn’t think he would commit suicide like that; too bad he took more than he could give. I guess it’s true what they say; only the strong will survive. The article concluded with the following statement: Drink Responsibly!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Idea of a Man

Without a second look, he disappears from her mind but later his kind words makes her take another glance and ponder on the idea of this man. Enjoying the attention that someone so far from thought could give so effortlessly, but all she could think was why he was trying to place himself on her radar. Riding the wave, she begins to get use to the idea of this man. Looking forward to his flirtatious text and sweet comments now and again, she found herself daydreaming of what it would be like to see him, touch him and feel him. Sustained by her visions of this man, she remained her distance yet curious. The idea of this man kept her from feeling lonely and uninvolved. As time passed, she begins to get tired of just an idea and wanted something more tangible. Frustrated with not being able to hold back her desires, she withdrawals in herself no longer content with just an idea. She realizes that she cannot make him what he’s not. Yet again she feels reeled in and thrown back ashore wondering why the idea of a man entices her more than the actual man.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Guilty Conscious or Great Minds Think Alike?

He never understood her rainchecks. He didn’t see it necessary to want more rest before an early meeting. He didn’t get the point of going to an afterhours diner after the club with the girls even though she wasn’t hungry; and he just didn’t like the fact that she would rather text than call at times. He often asked a lot of questions in efforts to gather info on her whereabouts all the while making plans of his own. He starts by planning to ask for his own raincheck when he is really just going to see someone else when she asks to spend quality time together. He mentions that he has an early meeting to deter her from expecting to stay over. After coming home at 5am, he explains that he had to sit with his friends at an afterhours diner while they ate because he wanted to sober up before driving. He text rather than calls her to say that he is going to bed early to avoid her hearing the other woman’s voice. Is it that they are alike and have mutual respect for each other? Or is it that her answers and actions cause him to think about all the times he has said the same things she has but did other things? He knows his lies work. He knows what she could possibly do with that extra time away. He is sure that she has the potential to think of another when with him and he is certain that she will simply deny any accusations and turn the issue on him if confronted. He knows her best but expects her worst; all because he reflects on himself. Guilty conscious’s of great minds’ do think alike.

Monday, February 16, 2009

said it best

Alicia Keys: Prelude To A Kiss

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Your Heart's Desire

My name is no longer Desire but Adore. Do no lust lust after me but ache for me. I feed your soul as well as your flesh. I don't complete you, but enhance you. Fear escapes my existence and comfort brings us closer. Divided by space but joined by thought. Helpless in my Ora, submissive to my will and at ease to my touch. Silence speaks volumes....

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Dangerous to Live, Dangerous to Love

Can you provide me with an insurance policy for my heart? You want me to love you carefree but what’s in it for me? Loving without limits doesn’t come with safety precautions. Where is the policy that will insure my broken heart when you can no longer keep your end of the bargain and this thing we are doing dies? What’s going to ensure me that no longer being with you is what’s best for me and what’s going to consol me until the pain gets easier to bare? Your word? Will I get a loaner man that can stand in and provide me with what I need in your absence? Will my total trust be the high priced deductible that I won’t have the courage to pay when you tell me you made a mistake and had an accident? I’ve never been sure about the fine print so I think I will take my chances at reckless dating and try to avoid falling in love.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Speechless in Admiration

What remarkable strength you have as you refused to be just another victim. You took your happiness into your own hands, wiped your tears away and took control of your life. Without the encouragement of family, the support of friends or the jealousy of others, you looked to GOD for your strength and rose up to your challenge. You have been seeking your lesson to learn, your challenge to conquer and your barrier to cross and now you have the strength to face it head on and make your own outcome. Strong woman you are, gentle yet sturdy, will not allow anyone to knock you down ANYMORE. Your self-worth is now realized, you value your happiness and demand what you deserve and what they deserve. You can do all things through him which you have the desire for. It will all work for the good.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

What are you looking at

I refuse to go backwards to try and find where I lost my love for you. I only have the passion to move forward to find a recognizable feeling that I believe will be new. Standing at the crossroads of love and lonely is you, we share both but only I feel what’s true. We are more like strangers with lost memories to renew, passing time until one says I’m through.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I Got It....A Proud Day

I’ve experienced my moment of truth, of realization of where I have come from to focus on where I am going. It’s one thing to learn black history in school, attend black history programs, watch civil rights documentaries, listen to Dr. Martin Luther King’s speeches, and read about rally’s for Malcolm X’s; however it’s another experience to actually know that something that I thought could never be possible came true today at the Inauguration Ceremony for President Barack Obama, our nation’s first African American President. At 27 years old, I was born afforded the opportunities to eat anywhere, to sit down on bus seats, to study with children of all races, and vote when I became of age. I had only read about slavery, the struggles against segregation and the need for affirmative action. Despite the opportunities given to me because of those who fought before me; I had never witnessed a Black President, let alone a black person in any major powerful position which led me to believe that it was never a possibility. I can remember getting my first black Barbie doll thinking that it was so nice that it looked like me but wasn’t sure if it was a pretty as the other ones that I have always played with and seen on TV. Unlike my uncertainty of my first black Barbie, I have an overwhelming sense of certainty in my new Black President. Overwhelmed with emotion as I watch the magnitude of crowds standing in the freezing temperatures to watch history being made, and at this very moment I am proud to be American, I am proud to be patriotic. With my pajamas on, I stood up in my bedroom, hand over heart and sang the National Anthem for the first time since high school. During the Inauguration speech the new President said “this is knowing the meaning of our liberty and creed,” which stood out to me because as an adult, I can know say that I know the meaning of the positive change that so many have fought for before me. Understanding the sacrifice of what so many made to afford me this opportunity is amazing in itself. Hearing the excitement in my mother’s voice as she prepared to go to the inauguration, listening to television interviews of past civil rights participants full of emotion from cheers to tears, and daydreaming on what my deceased father would say if he was here today, all bought about a range of emotions in myself. The clarity of the blurry passed will give me a better vision for the future. I am blessed to have experienced this historical election and inauguration first hand. I pray that this change will pave the way for even more non-violent change for the years to come. I hope that my nieces and nephews and future children will recognize how this moment in their past was one that bought hope for me on their futures. The best part of the day for me was the moment when I GOT IT.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Trying To Soak In This Historic Moment

As I watch the History Channel documentary on Freedom Writers at midnight on MLK Day, I feel a since of pride, honor and an undeserving feeling all at the same time. It’s one thing to have always read about historical milestones for African Americans but it’s another to experience it firsthand. I feel proud because I can turn on the television, turn on the radio and pick up a paper and the whole world is talking about our first African American President, the most powerful man in the country. I am honored to say I voted and was a part of making history as a young African American woman. Feelings that I am undeserving stem from knowing that I have not yet worked my hardest, reached my potential or accomplished half of what was fought for by so many before me. I take for granted that I am witnessing something so deserving and not something simply owed to “us”. I am sadden to the fact that my grandparents, aunts, uncles and most importantly, my father who said there would never be a Black President are not here to share this moment with me. Although I have experienced moments of unjust circumstances due to my race, I know it’s not by far as bad as what they went through. This historic moment can be seen through so many different perspectives. Through mine, I will take my proud emotions and declare that I help our new president make a difference through my own everyday actions. I will take my honored emotions, step back and breathe in this new sense of accomplishment for our race and continue to strive for greatness in myself. I will turn my undeserving feelings into motivation to leave a great legacy with my future children and grandchildren that may not realize how this moment was so historical and changed the lives of many. I’ve always been told that Change is inevitable; I pray that this change will be the one to step towards a norm. I just want to take the time to really soak in this moment and apply my feelings to something extrodinary that my departed love ones can look down and be proud of.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Why Are You Really Upset?

I’m so angry because you don’t know, you don’t grow, you don’t show…
Me the unconditional love that I’ve been seeking, feening, asking for….
You to finally get me, respect me, keep me….
From all the stresses, all the worries, all the struggles…
Of the everyday world, everyday people, everyday society…
That deter me from simple pleasures, simple beauty, simple moments…
With you that I long for…

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Exclusive Interview With Death

In a cold un-inviting tunnel between dark and light, I begin the first ever exclusive interview of a lifetime with Death. I was determine to ask the questions that we all needed to know and determine to walk away knowing every intimate detail of what goes into the work of Death.

ME: So Death, what made you decided to finally speak directly to me? Is there something specific that you want me to know about you?

Death: I’ve watched you for quite some time however with my private nature I never wanted to expose my work until now. I suspect you are asking too many questions about me and I wanted you to get the answers directly from the source instead of make your own assumptions of what I do.

ME: So for the record, what is that you really do?

Death: If you must ask then I shouldn’t be here. What you desire to know is why I do what I do, is that correct?

ME: I thought I was the one asking the questions here but yes you are right. You have the most controversial job in the world, I’m sure you may just very well be the most hated as well.

Death: If I felt hatred then I would care, but I don’t. I do what is necessary; however sometimes I can explain and sometimes I can’t explain it.

ME: It has been my experience that your lack of explanation is what bothers me and I’m sure others. In the past you sent press releases stating that the inspiration for your work was old age, disease or accidents. What has changed in your industry that you are stepping outside the box and doing jobs with no premise, totally out of the ordinary?

Death: It’s simple, for publicity. Sometimes you have to shake things up to get the public to pay attention to you. With religion, new technology, medical miracles and organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving; the awareness has slowed my business down. Sometimes I have to get creative and shock those into remembering that I will always have work and will always be around.

ME: Don’t you think that you can get that message across in other ways?

Death: No, you don’t understand the amount of people that believe that they are invincible. They live adverse to their doctor’s recommendations, consume deadly drugs, drive reckless, and have unprotected sex, trust strangers amongst many of the other daily risk. I just take one life to protect another.

ME: But how is that fair, much less making any sense? Why take the life of one unexplained and expect those “risk takers” to really get it? Beyond their grief, they will start to feel anger that not makes them end their indiscretions but make them want to indulge even more. Thoughts of “if this innocent person living the right way gets their life taken, then why should I change,” will be the only thing that they have on their minds.

Death: Not everyone will think that way.

ME: Yes this is true, you may have those that vow to change their lives around because of the fear of dying themselves but again, how is this fair or makes sense to take a life to get the attention of another. Was that life not valued as highly as the one you are trying to shock?

Death: I can’t confirm nor deny that last statement.

ME: I thought I was finally going to get my exclusive!

Death: Just calm down, it’s not as simple as you would like for it to be. Do you remember that day when you and your friends’ skipped basketball practice in high school?

ME: Yes, so.

Death: Do you also remember that one friend, accidentally shot off his father’s gun in your direction and the bullet just missed your head? At the moment you all ran in fear of the noise getting you all in trouble but in actuality, it could have been the end of your life right there.

Me: Wow, I do recall that and never thought about it like that.

Death: Do you remember the time you were driving back to college from visiting your mother and you borrowed her car?

Me: Yes, now you are back to asking the questions I see.

Death: If you recall, you were in an accident that ended up in what you refer to as a miracle due to the fact that your car spun in circles several times, stopped turned facing oncoming traffic in the middle of the interstate but somehow you ended up on the side of the highway before the rest of the traffic caught up to you. Although emotional and frightened, you walked away without a scratch. It could have been your last road trip that night.

Me: Yes, I do remember and your mention of it brings chills up my spine but what does this have to do with you? I’m still alive.

Death: Yes you are. If you’re being alive is not explained then why does someone’s dying have to be? You may have not done anything right or wrong to still be alive just as they may not have done anything right or wrong to die. I know this isn’t the interview that you wanted and I don’t know what your write-up will look like but it will definitely give you time to think and appreciate every moment of life that you do have with your family and friends.

Me: (with a disturbed look on my face) I still don’t get it and I guess I never will. I will avoid your work at all cost and hope that you don’t work with any of my love ones in the near future. Thank you for your time.

Death: You’re welcome. Until we meet again…

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Calculating the Stats

I can give you my time, my smile, even my body without investment but when I give you my mind, emotions and viewpoint…you have my heart. The chips are all in at that point. I play to win and never to lose. My interest is the best interest when I’m with me. Your interest will never be my interest until you’re with me. I expect you to reach beyond the stars with no limits when taking on this task. Like a coach, my competitive spirit is to challenge you while trying to understand your potential. I analyze your performance to decipher between good and bad, honesty and bull, sincerity and condescending. My positive feedback is never calculated; however the negative feedback will always be strategic. If you succeed, it’s because I showed you the way. If you fail, you will never know why.

Voice Of My Biggest Enemy

I can sell you faster than you can sale yourself. The public request you and call for you, who am I to not give them what they want which will benefit them and maybe not you. Speak up, I can’t hear you…I don’t hear your true desires, passions and dreams loud and clear. You mention them and allude to the fact that they will come to fruition one day but I don’t believe you. I think that you are regular, regular in the sense that you will settle for what I give you. Against your own self examination, you are patient and passive. You allow me to take you places that you would never want to go; you allow me give so much of you away for free. I can totally take advantage of you because your fear is so great. I show off your talents when you least expect it. I’m constantly presenting you in a light that makes you submissive and accommodating which appeals to your takers. I don’t allow them to see your self-worth and your true visions and from this I even know how to sometimes hide it from you. I allow you to believe that you will never make it on your own, that you don’t have the resources, time and strength to ever accomplish your own dreams. I hold you back from focus and persistence. I keep you comfortable with what you know and keep you frightened of the unknown. I volunteer your time to help everyone but yourself. I take a percentage and spend it on making you feel just a little bit better so you can go back to being mine. You allow me to control you. I want to keep you calm and comfortable to keep you right where I want you. Your anger and discontentment concerns me, it always leads to your progression and success. If you were wise you would turn your anger into your vehicle for accomplishment. You would challenge yourself and doubt my repetitive advice. You would not allow me to pimp you out. You would acknowledge the powerful side of your inner voice and not me. I rob you of your confidence, your passion and dreams as "A man without a dream or vision will perish"! I will always be around taunting; you can’t hide from me or shut me up unless you lay me to rest by taking your ambitions to the next level. You won’t win.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Relax, It's Just A Crack

So I'm spending time with the nieces and nephew for an Auntie and Me day out...I'm not a mother yet so my kiddie day out wardrobe doesn't consist of overalls and baby vomit stained t-shirts instead I maintain my fly by weaning a fitted sweater and pair of skinny jeans and boots totally appropriate, so I thought. I've always thought of myself as the Super Nanny, Favorite Auntie, Guru of kids type of person but when you are trying to get toddlers out the back seat of a coupe, you start to feel a little incompetent. Well in the midst of my full out brawl with the car seats and seat belts, through the impossible space between the front seat and back seat, my jeans and sweater begin to separate and I start to feel a draft on my lower back and butt. At this point its either drop a kid or expose a little crack. My future motherly instincts kicked in and I decided that the kids come first so I continued to attempt to rescue them from the jaws of my back seat. Through the commotion, I over heard two older women walking by totally appalled by my crack showcase. They were gasping, pointing and rolling their eyes in disgust. My first thought was keep it moving this is not a show but then I figured they could at least be of some assistance if they were just going to stand there and watch; I mean it wasn't like it was a full moon or anything, now that would have been just gross. So I stepped out and ask if they wouldn't mind giving me a hand but they clutched their hearts as if I asked them to come cup a cheek or something. I didn't get what the big deal was, to me it would have been worst if I exposed huge granny panties with polka dots! I got frustrated and yelled "kick rocks, I'm sure you've seen worst when you look in the mirror plus there are plenty who would pay good money to see the show that you just got!" So I guess it shows that I'm liable to fight old ladies but I DO LOVE THE KIDS!

Miss Independent & The Male Gold Digger

Miss Independent, that I am. Being able to afford the things that I want and need comes at an ease; however call me old fashion but if you are or want to be the MAN in the relationship then my "having it" shouldn't be what makes you dig me. I can very well not have it just as you can not have it and then would it matter? As long as I can give you the satisfaction of knowing that you are spending because you want to and not because you have to then that should be good enough. Just like I would want the opportunity to treat because I want to and not because you know that I got it to spend. Since when has the woman footing the bill been an aphrodisiac for men? For centuries you've been raised to work hard and provide for your families, you've been held superior and paid more all because the man is suppose to "wear the pants". Now all of a sudden just because a woman can do it on her own, you want her to do it for you to ease your slack. Let me be independent because I don't ask for anything and not because I pay for everything. If I'm expected to take care of home, keep myself fly, keep my composure, support your dreams, satisfy your needs AND pay my way....then I have to ask myself, What is that you are bringing to the table??? Some may say it's a double standard or stereotype but it boils down to...I'm the GIRL and your the BOY, it's already a man's world, so simply pay for it!