My head hurts, my stomach is in knots, my mouth becomes dry with each swallow of anticipation. I feel the beating of my heart all the way down in my toes. My palms begin to sweat and I start to lose my balance. Meals of the past want to escape my body. My body temperature increases by the seconds, I'm getting hotter and hotter. I begin to unbutton my shirt, grabbing on straps, sleeves, whatever I can to try and cool off. Why don't I have feeling in my arms and hands? My speech becomes slurred as my mouth erupts with earlier consumption. Just when I think it might be over, I start loosing it...small black spots appear in my site as my vision begins to fail. Small black spots turn into large black spots, then complete darkness. I close my eyes. Where did everyone go? Whats happening to me? Am I blind? Will my site return? In and out, in and out, my breathing triples in pace as I start to hyperventilate. Will anyone help me? Will they know what to do? What will they think of me? Oh God, help me!
The hair stands up on my arm as I shiver from chills. My skin embraces the cool air being fanned on me by another. "Open your eyes and drink this water," another voice says. I hesitantly open my eyes, I can see! I'm freezing, Ive ripped away most of my clothing. Trying to catch my breath, I cover up and sip on the water placed in front of me. Thanking my strangers for caring, I reassure everyone including myself that I am okay. I got through it and I'm okay. Embarrassed by the by standing stares, I compose myself, stand on two feet and prepare to walk through the whispers. I'm thankful and frightful at the same time. I came through it again...until the next episode.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Her heart speaks at a low tone, something like a whisper. Years of silence, fighting for the chance to escape, her heart has a story to tell. Through abuse, rebellion, dis-trust, illness and depression her heart's voice gets stronger and stronger. With increasing courage and time her heart speaks out. Her fearless heart begins to speak, cry out, scream, and even shout about the many storms she's weathered. Her heart begins to become inspiration for so many. Her hearts words not only encourage but warn, advise and comfort so many that share similar stories. The voice of her heart is the growing force behind the dynamic woman that she is. If she wont listen to me, I pray that she listens to the courageous heart inside of her.
Our connection is superficial. Our interest, materialistic. You like the outside me and you distract the inside me from where I should really be. My smile makes your decision easy. My curves keep you here wanting more. My name rings bells and they say we look good together. The surface is perfect. A perfect perception of happiness. You say I'm what you need but what about what we want. I compliment the outside you but can I fulfill the inside you? Is the picture perfect love all you desire? When will we both realize that our well put together package is just not enough?
I will not be discouraged to love. I deserve someone that will share just as much if not more of themselves with me. I will not be afraid of my feelings and where they take me. I will acknowledge true feelings and allow myself to express them freely without letting pride get into the way. I will not judge future situations based on past disappointments. I will allow you to truly get to know me.
The only time I feel his lips are when he is close to me. The only time he is close to me is when he is on top of me. The only time he is on top of me is when I need to be kissed. When his kiss is the only thing that makes me feel loved, worthy and appreciated. When his feelings aren't spoken, aren't expressed through words, kind gestures, or even felt through his eyes...his kisses will give me the affirmation that I so desperately want from him. His kisses don't just make my body submit to his body, they make my mind submit to his mind. I believe that he loves me back, I believe that he treasures me. I believe that he wants more than my body that he is receiving in the moment. But when he is not on top of me, not close to me and doesn't kiss me...I wonder. I wonder if I'm good enough for him. I wonder if I will ever feel his love without the kisses or will the kisses be all that he will give...to get close, to get on top without really giving anything at all.