Time of Death: 10:00pm Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Headline read: Tragic Death of The Stick-Up Kid. The Coroner’s reported that this death was not as unusual as it sounds; it’s actually very common in men his age especially when they indulge in such activity. The Coroner goes on to say that there should be a warning label on consuming too much of a dynamic, no nonsense woman and mixing with generic brands; as it can always be fatal. The Police report reads: Late Sunday night Officers responded to a series of suicidal text messages that a man wanted to end his life. The dispatcher failed at several attempts to get the man to call in to talk about it but he never obliged. Once the lead detective arrived on the scene they begin to search the area carefully wanting to be wrong about the man and hopefully salvage the situation. Walking through an abandoned house they noticed that the door wasn’t broken therefore they assumed it wasn’t a robbery but possibly the man was invited in. As they searched the house they found empty glasses with traces of Malibu Rum and splash of pineapple juice all over the house. As they walked out to the back of the house they found the man dangling from a hammock, strangled to death with his blackberry by his side with a flashing message that read, “be careful what you ask for, your sunshine has set.” The man was identified by an identification card in his wallet as Stick-Up Kid. The evidence proved that the man’s alcohol level for a “friend” was way over the normal limit. He had over indulged in Malibu and Pineapple and his glutinous ways had finally cost him. It appeared that the Stick-Up Kid hung himself with an un-used hammock fit for two. The classic case of over consumption of an “in the meantime” fix while he looked for a stronger addiction closer to him that would be easier to consume for HIS pleasure. He was warned about his consumption habits but he just seemed to want more and more without regard to how it would affect the people around him. It appeared that the man wasn’t fully aware of how strong a drug this was. He was told that if he succeeded in his addiction that it was with help but if he failed then he would be left with no clue why. It seems that this man didn’t want help to beat the addiction but instead wanted to enjoy the high without responsibility. The interesting part of the analysis was that the drug could actually be good for you if consumed responsibly and in moderation; however this young man seemed to have asked for more than he could handle. Only the best of the best, considerate, non-self absorbed and ego strong can handle this drug. There was a comment by an eye-witness from the Pittsburg Steelers: “It’s a shame this had to happen this way, he had so much hidden potential but got too self-absorbed to see what was happening to him. I’ve been down this road before so I could see it coming. I just didn’t think he would commit suicide like that; too bad he took more than he could give. I guess it’s true what they say; only the strong will survive. The article concluded with the following statement: Drink Responsibly!