Journey To Being Me

No more fighting to fit in you your box. No more adjusting to what I think you would want me to be. Tired of living for you while slowly dying inside me. Constantly second guessing what your perception may be, slowly evolving into what you seem to want and pretending to be happy with the me you want me to be. My smile shouldn't be timed and my laughter shouldn't be abandon. My feelings don't have to be worn on my sleeve because you can't appreciate my actions or consistency of my affection. The growth of my love shouldn't be estimated or timed like a sand dial. I can't be pieced together like a puzzle or analyzed. I speak the truth when asked and express my fears when challenged. I can only be me in the spirit of being me.

Commitment Cycle

The more you chase me, the more I want to be alone.
The more you pull away, the more I want to be held.
Needing more when you are not there, but giving less when you are near.
Not appreciating whats missed when it was in my possession but longing for more when I should be complete.

Making Sense Of It All

You ask me why can’t I commit, why am I so scared of opening my heart to someone and how that doesn’t make sense to you…well Let’s talk about what doesn’t make sense to me:

Him telling me that I should have made him more of a priority than an afterthought when he clearly could never make me a priority because of his family he already had.

Him telling me that he couldn’t reach out to me or return my phone calls because he was too busy enjoying a beautiful day.

Him telling me that the reason he never committed was because he was protecting my heart…meaning he was hiding the fact of his committed girlfriend, in efforts not to hurt me.

Him telling me how much my body means to him and never even calling on my birthday.

Him complaining about his materialistic possessions after I just shared my fears with him.

Him falsely accusing me because he doesn’t trust who I really am.

Him telling me that everything he does is for “us” but I somehow get left out of everything in his life.

How can I give myself whole heartedly when I don’t trust anyone with my heart? Everyone says they want to be “real and upfront” but in all honesty, they can’t handle it. What’s the point of trying to be real all the time when people are faking their way into your space every day? I get game and lies everyday from people with motives so I don’t want to receive it from the one person I am suppose to love and care about. So until that one person comes along that can handle being upfront with me no matter what, then I will continue to entertain those that entertain me because game recognizes game and after playing for so long you start to enjoy the spectacle…

Another Point Of View

What if everyone DID believe in you? What if you didn’t have to feel as if you needed to prove yourself to anyone because you knew that they all thought you could do anything you wanted? What if people constantly gave you encouragement and told you that they support you? Think about if all those people that told you that you couldn’t do something, all told you that you COULD do whatever you put your mind to. Imagine a support system so strong that no one pointed out your failures but all awaited your success. What if everyone around you told you that you were destined for greatness and that nothing could stop you or get in your way? How about if you had great role models and people to look up to that accomplished their dreams?

Now imagine…

Being fearful and defeated, holding in dark secrets and insecurities. Ashamed of past failures and terrified to fail again. Walking around with the “curse of perfection” while trying to figure out what everyone is thinking of you.

Any Pressure?

In Mourning

Dearly Beloved…I have been in denial of your death. I await your presence any day now, thinking that you will be here with me like you use to be. Your absence is now too much for me to ignore. It bothers me that I can’t remember your essence or what made you, you. It frustrates me that when I close my eyes and imagine you, I can’t see you clearly. People use to call you fearless, but I fear that I won’t remember you that way. Your passing as been detrimental to me. I sometimes feel as if I never knew you at all and that it was all just a dream that you were once here. Functioning without you is almost impossible, unbearable and miserable. I actually need you in my life to survive. Why did you leave me? I try to channel you back through inspiration, faith and patience but still nothing. Everyone else has moved on without you, but I can’t! It’s hard waking up every morning going to the mirror and not seeing you. As much as the reflection looks the same, you are not there. The only way I make it through the day is to look deep into those eyes staring back at me and pretend you are still here.

Strangled

Each breath is becoming more and more painful to take, I can feel my flesh begin to burn as the blood builds up around my pressured veins. My eyes are expounded but my vision blurry. My body becomes limp and un-useable while my arms dangle down by my sides. Heart beats are slowly decreasing and my feet pulsate as a ticking time clock. The only thing that seems to be functioning is my brain but nothing is left to do, it’s too late. As I take my last breath, I have one last flash back on how the very thing that I never thought could stop me was my murderer…FEAR

Stepping Out Of The Background

When did I step into the shadow? Never wanting to be the behind-the-scene Technician or the Back Ground Dancer, yet I’ve reduced my role each time. No one pays that much attention to the last name on the credits but the slightest mistake can be found in the spelling of the first name that roles up. The star of the show bears all the criticism both good and bad. The forerunner of the show holds all responsibility for the success or failure of their performance. What risk they take to be the Star. What challenges they overcome to stand another performance day after day. What resilience they have to give their best each and every time no matter what the outcome. The Star quality comes way before they hit the stage, way before they speak the first word or sing the first song. It starts from within when that inner voice is saying “I can do it.” When obstacles are turned into opportunities and failures into lessons, is when the inner Star shines the brightest.

Companion

Just inches away yet you keep your distance. I never have to ask for you twice, you are right where I know you will be. You don’t make me feel as if I owe you anything or that my submission is your power over me. I like the way you make me feel without words. You always leave me with a smile on my face and no pressure to contain my feelings or express them.

The Real Games

I’m laughing at you insensitive ploys yet I’m suppose to fall all over you. When did it become okay for the guy to care only about himself (out loud) I at least pretend to be sensitive to your feelings, I at least pretend to enjoy your company and I can hold a conversation as if I’m listening. But if all my efforts are only shielding my guilty conscious from the fact that I’m only holding on for the perks, how do you so easily ignore your conscious from reminding you about your ulterior motives? We are both here for the wrong reasons yet I’m the only one who seems to think this is unhealthy. Is it okay for us to put our motives on the table, open and honestly? Or do you think you could handle the truth? Will you label me as something I would never want to become if you only knew what kept me near? It’s an obvious yet oblivious game with play. It’s perfectly fine for you to only want me for one thing but if it were known that I pretended to want you for one thing then who would I be?