Thursday, August 14, 2008

Words of the Last Tear

What’s the point of a relationship? I always thought it was a partnership between two people with a bond in sharing similar dreams and wanting the best for each other. If I only confide in myself, talk to myself, keep my own deepest secrets, dreams and aspirations; shouldn’t I be in a relationship of my own, as in just be alone? If I feel as if I need to hold my feelings in, manipulate the “right” time to talk, and take on my worst fears and worries alone, what’s the point of calling you my partner? Just as I want to share my greatest accomplishments, I also need to be able to share my greatest disappointments and mistakes. I need to be able to know that you are there for me through the good and the bad. I need to feel that when dark clouds arrive, you won’t just be there with an umbrella but you will be willing to stand in the rain with me. I need to know that my ridiculous idea will become your ridiculous moment of pride in me. I need to feel that you are truly there and that there is really a “WE” in the we can do it statements that you make and not you do it and I will watch from behind. My expectations may be way too high for your thoughts of a partner in a relationship but I need your emotional support more than any amount of money in the world. Should I just accept that you will never know what your hugs mean to me? Should I accept the fact that you will never know that I drive fast on the interstate with all the windows down so the brisk air can dry my tears and with the music as loud it goes, no one can hear me sobbing. You will never know that I turn the bathroom fan on and turn the radio up as loud as it can go so you can’t hear my crying and praying in the shower at night. You will never know that every time I pull into the garage, I often wonder what it would be like if I just put the garage door down while the car was still running…would you even come to check? I guess you won’t ever know that many nights when you are fast asleep, I am lying inches away from you wiping tears away trying not to make a sound. You will never know that days when I just need you to look into my eyes and know that I need you, a touch, a smile, anything; that I type these letters to myself that you will never see nor ever understand.